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The Free Ratio
This is the first collectively written short story written on freeratio.org Chapter 1 - Introduction to Quantum Mechanics Inside the Free R.A.T.I.O. (Rational Alliance Towards Interstellar Organization) or simply the "R.A.T.I.O." spaceship in orbit between mars and earth, led by Captain Mindsword, things are going on: Warrent Officer Bullmoose Two enters the bridge and walks up to Captain Mindsword with his most masculine swagger. He says, "Captain, we are out of Klondike bars. What do we do?" Captain Mindsword considers for a moment and then says, "Quickly, fire the phasors before..." then the Klingon Warbird fires and because somebody forgot to raise shields the USS RATIO is destroyed. "It goes without saying, whoever wrote this stuff sucks at writing!" Bullmose exclaims as they are ripped apart. Fortunately, Engineer Tom Sawyer was realigning the warp core field while this was going on and accidentally created a hole in the space/time continuum, which moved the ship behind the Klingons moments before they were destroyed so Captain Mindsword could shoot them in the back. "Curse you deus ex machina!" the Klingon commander yells before they plummit into their deaths. Engineer Sawyer then pretended that he'd done that on purpose and was promoted to Chief Engineer as a reward. Unfortunately, the rip in space/time continued to grow at an alarming pace. Without triadmithralium extract this hole in space time would continue to grow until it consumed the whole universe. Realizing that triadmithralium had been wiped out from the universe many centuries ago, Captain Mindsword knew what he had to do. Taking the ship straight into the rip, he and the crew of the USS RATIO began their epic quest to find the triadmithralium and save the universe from nearly not quite certain destruction... Then they got the triadmithralium, fixed the rip and saved the universe. While the universe was saved, the triadmithralium made all the crew members high. Captain Mindsword went into a psychadelic world filled with green alien vixens. However, one side effect of time travel is erectile disfunction. So rallying his high as balls crew, the USS RATIO went out on an epic journey to find the last bottle of Viagra so that Captain Mindsword could get it on with his green alien ladies. Of course since the crew was high they drove the ship right into the nearest sun. "Neither this plot nor its characters are rational!" Captain Mindsword lamented metafictionally before he and his ship exploded in the sun. Fortunately, Chief Engineer Tom Sawyer was realigning the warp core field while this was going on and accidentally created a hole in the space/time continuum, which moved the ship to the other side of the sun and everyone was fine. "Damnit man how often are you gonna realign that warp core?" they suddenly hear a rather sinister voice in the background, (who will later in the plot be revealed to be the evil overlord Civil1z@tion) mumbling to itself. "Hey, do you see me telling you how to do your job? I'll realign it until it's aligned properly, thank you very much." Chief Engineer Sawyer explains in a rather annoyed manner. Of course this still led to the problem of said hole potentially ripping apart space and time. However, given how high the crew was they failed to care and carried on the search for Viagra pills. Captain Mindsword however, after giving Tom his third medal, realized the search was futile and that the pills had propably been lost in the space-time rip, and ran into the lab in a semi-delirious state. "I need to make a new formula! Where are the coffee bags!?" he howled out drewling and confused, and accidentally touched the navigation system and set course for Earth. Meanwhile, sub-engineer third grade Bippy, fed up with chief engineer Sawyer's anal compulsive fixation with having him continually tweak the alignment of the self-aligning warp core, tosses the ships only warp core alignment solismonizer into the trash disposal chute and flushes it into space with the other garbage. Energized by his rebellion, he rushes off in search for that green alien vixen. Chapter 2 - Chapter 2 The plfgr skittered desperately through the mog but it was to slow for the cunning mrzyphl. In a moment only the plfgr's tail could be seen twitching out of the mrzyphl's gaping maw. Smiling and content the mrzyphl turned his big saucer shaped eyes to the night sky. Suddenly, he saw something burning through the atmosphere. With his binocular vision he could see the letters R.A.T.I.O on the side of the strange object. The mrzyphl didn't know what it was but he had a terrible sense of foreboding. In stunned silence the mrzyphl puckered his lips and sucked in the last bit of the plfgr's twitching tail, gulped, then slinked into the mogwurl forest. "Wait.. weren't we going towards earth? What the hell happened?? Are we crashlanding? Or is this Earth in some far away future?" Captain Mindsword uttered, still in a recovering and confused state back inside the R.A.T.I.O, blissfully unaware of the drama between the plfgr and the mrzyphl unfolding beneath them. "Is this the beginning of chapter 2??" It was indeed the beginning of chapter 2, and Captain Mindsword and his crew were indeed crashlanding. And if it was Earth or not only the green skinned female hotty with the big gun, that suddenly materialized inside the ship, could answer: "You are stuck in a timeloop of borrowed Science Fiction ideas" she slowly proclaims. Warrent Officer Bullmoose Two enters the bridge and walks up to Captain Mindsword with his most masculine swagger. I say, "Captain, we are out of Klondike bars. What do we do?" "No!" Captain Mindsword quickly responds... "We are crashlanding and a green alien woman just materialized in the middle of our ship! I have important questions dammit! I need to find out what is going to happen next! This is not happening!" Bullmoose Two misjudged his swagger, went right by the Captain, and clumsily fell off the bridge into the river. "It goes without saying, whoever wrote this stuff sucks at writing!" Bullmose exclaims as he is tumbling away in the rapids. After fighting the rapid current for 2 miles he finally struggled ashore and went into a building to ask for help. Warrant Officer Bullmoose Two couldn't believe his luck; he'd walked right into the middle of a creative writing class! The green alien woman walked up to Captain Mindsword while taking off her clothes. Mindsword cursed his hasty ending of the quest for Viagra but decided he could salvage the situation with some oral. However, just as the fun was about to begin, the green alien vixen vanished. A call came up on the screen: it was the evil universe overlord of doom Civil1z@tion and he had the alien vixen. "Now you see Mindsword that anything you desire I will take from you! BWHAHAHAHAHA!" -"I shall chase you down to the ends of the universe!" shouted Captain Mindsword. -"Go ahead and try, I've beamed a new warp core on to your ship, it just needs realignment and the chase can begin." responded evil Civil1z@tion. While Warrent Officer Bullmoose Two is too stoned to do anything, Chief Engineer Tom Sawyer realigns the warp core and sends the crew back to the age of Star Wars...a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Chapter 3 - In a galaxy far far out Luckily this means lightsabers are widely available in electronics stores around, so they decide to take a stop at Tattooine for gas and look for some cool ones. While Captain Mindsword is standing outside filling gas, and Sub-Engineer Third Grady Bippy is playing with some Jawas by the benches, Chief Engineer Saywer and Warrant Officer Bullmose stumble into the gas station. "Hey look some of them have different colors!" Engineer Sawyer shouted vigourously. "Cool man... I like this rainbow colored one that changes like discolights.." Bullmose responds while taking a look at the label on the handle that says "WARNING: MAY CAUSE EPILEPTIC SEIZURES OR SEVERE AMPUTATION" Having bought the last 10 lightsabers in the station (all in funky colors), plus a real size Darth Vader costume as a present for Captain Mindsword and three Bantha burgers, Sawyer and Bullmoose stumble back outside. After having gained his lightsabers, Captain Mindsword and company decided to resume their quest to return through space and time and kick Evil Overlord of Doom ™ Civil1z@tion's ass so that Captain Mindsword could have his one night stand with a hot alien chick. However, the USS RATIO happened to look like an Imperial Star Destroyer, which caused 18 Rebel Alliance Mon Calmari crusiers in the area to attack the ship. Fortunately, this was exactly what Captain Mindsword wanted, and the rebels, thinking that it was going to be an easy raid, suddenly found themselves facing the firepower of a fully operational battlestation. "It's a trap!" the rebel leader yelled as he tried to hold out for a few more minutes to buy time for a young and plucky group of rebels to disable the force field being generated on a nearby moon. Captain Mindsword had defended this generator with an entire legion of his best troops however, and they quickly killed off the rebels trying to attack it and Captain Mindsword finished off the rebel fleet and was then able to continue his domination of the galaxy unimpeded. With the exempt of the evil hand of Overlord Civil1z@tion, which is soon to come to an end of course. But Tybalt, the R.A.T.I.O.'s best fighter pilot, who was high on cocaine during the Rebel assault, couldn't handle the pressure anymore, and he announced his farewell on the intercom. -"My friends.." the speakers suddenly crackled up. Officer Bullmoose Two and Chief Engineer Tom Sawyer looked at eachother with confusion. -"My friends... Co-workers... Captain. It has been an honor serving you all, but i cannot live with myself knowing that i've killed so many of my favourite Star Wars alien species, and that perhaps i have changed the course of its alternate history forever.. Now the Empire has a bigger chance in beating the Rebel Alliance at Hoth. The consequences of my actions are too big for me to live with, and i will now commit suicide... Please take care of my underaged male prostitute after im gone. He is hidden in the Bridge Commandos tool locker." There was a moment of silence... Everyone at this point thought he was bluffing until Sub Engineer Bippy suddenly pointed outside the ships hull through a window and yelled "OMG Look!" There he was... Floating into the abyss. It turned out he had ejected himself out of the emergency hatch, and was now headed heroically into the magnetic field of Tattooine, just to burn up in the atmosphere and his dust spread out all over the great sand dunes of the deserty planet. They all saluted his bravery and ethics, and many new questions opened up in the minds of the crew members.. How would they now fly the ship? Who was this Tybalt person? Why did we not hear anything from him this whole time? Doesn't cocaine usually make people less emotional about killing people? And what will become of little Khun Nang-Klao now that his presence was revealed? Gambling the survival of his ship on the idea that the young prostitute had traded Tybalt his sexual favours in exchange for learning how to pilot a starship (since it's impossible to get into the Academy to learn that unless your father knows somebody), Captain Mindsword raced down to the Bridge Commandos tool locker, pulled the young dandy out and dragged him up to the bridge and told him to fly them out of danger. The young boy handled the flight controls as masterfully as he'd ever handled anything of Tybalt's and their mission could continue. An unrelated side note of this episode was that the elitist admission requirements to the Academy were called into question, which in turn led to an overturning of the entire elitist setup of the Intergalactic Federation and and a more democratic and equality-based society came into being. So, once again, human civilization was saved from tyranny and domination by grown men having sex with prepubescent boys, just like NAMBLA's been telling us. Chapter 4 - Fear and loathing on Alpha Omega Meanwhile, two weeks later, disturbed by aliens running amock on Planet Alpha Omega Et Cetera, Engineer Tom Sawyer, Captain Mindsword, Lt. Stoned Bullmoose and newly recruited Ensign Jimmy Higgins take a shuttle craft to the surface as the whole beaming thing scares Engineer Sawyer to death. In fact, he never shuts up about how close you are to being morphed into a hybrid fly monster. Once on the ground of Alpha Omega Et Cetera, Engineer Tom Sawyer takes out some device that appears to be scanning, but the Engineer knows it is just a prop. The scanner emits a bizarre beeping meaning something has to be different. "Look, there is something peculiar with that rock," noted the Engineer. Ensign Jimmy Higgins walks up to the rock and gets zapped with a ton of energy, killing him instantly. "Do something!" the Captain told Bullmoose, but Bullmoose was too stoned to do anything but remark about how cool that light was. Engineer Tom Sawyer, literally, thousands of miles from a warp core to realign, is helpless. He falls to his knees and promises to name his child after Ensign Higgins. The rock, which turns out to be an entrance to a secret base opens and out steps an unbelievably younger Civil1z@tion."My warp core!" shout Engineer Sawyer, "this must be evil overlord of doom ™ Civil1z@tion before he becomes an evil overlord of doom ™!" Considering that, Captain Mindsword pulls out his phasor and shoots it at Civil1z@tion only to see it bounce of Civil1z@tions armor and hit random red shirt number 13. "HAHAHA! No Sawyer. I just got a face lift and traveled back in time to mock you. You all smell worse than my dog's shit after he eats Limburger cheese and burritos. That is all." Then, hitting a button on his watch, the Evil Overlord of Doom ™ jumps back to the future to have sex with Mindsword's one night stand. Furious and frustrated, Captain Mindsword throws his phasor in the wall and shouts "Why do you have to be such a stupid evil overlord asshole Civil1z@tion!??". Bullmoose Two who has just finished smoking up another L, stumbles into the the room and sits down by a cumpoter to play some tetris. By sheer accident he discovers that Civil1z@tion had forgotten to delete all his logs. Mindsword decides to take over Civil1z@tion's high-tech base and discovers all of his evil technology and thereby all of his weaknesses, including his first year at senior high where it turns out he was actually little John Forking (aka. "Foreskin", and aka. "Fornication" which the evil overlord would later flip around and use as his nickname.) the little kid Mindsword and his friends used to pick on, thereby solving all the mysteries of the evil overlords evilness and bitterness against the Captain. They stay in the underground facility for two weeks, training, engineering, laughing at the evil overlords flaws, decyphering and playing tetris. They upgrade the ship beyond comprehension, and build upgraded copies of Civil1z@tion's armor for everyone in the crew. Except for Sub-Engineer Bippy. He got to play with the laboratory mice Civil1z@tion had accumulated in the sub-level. Mindsword also, with his electronic weapons knowledge gives Chief Engineer Tom Sawyer the drawings for a new super-weapon specially designed for anything the evil Civil1z@tion could throw at them. With their new super technology, and not to mention lightsabers, they once again head out to stop the evil madman once and for all, and maybe get some action with green alien vixens. Chief Engineer Sawyer however decides that he's had enough of taking Mindsword's orders and steals his new superweapon, which he's fashioned into a ring, and takes it to a technologically backwards planet where he can use it to rule that world. His plans are thwarted, however, when some stupid king cuts it off his finger. Then, after two thousand years of careful plotting to get the thing back, it gets tossed into a volcano by a hobbit - that's right, Sawyer lost to a fucking hobbit. Feeling humiliated by this turn of events, he realigns the warp core (he always carries one in his pocket now, after seeing what happens when he's without one) and time travels back to where he was. Back in the ship just above the atmosphere of Alpha Omega Et Cetera. "Hey! I can see the evil overlords ship! It is right there!" Bullmoose suddenly shouts. "And i.. I dont think its an hallucination!" Mindsword quickly turns his attention outside. "Yes indeed..." he responds gazing at his low self-esteemed opponents mothership while rubbing his hands, his eyes almost popping out with exitement. "We meet again Foreskin... This time on equal terms." Mindsword: "Chief Engineer Sawyer, charge up the superweapon!" "Im sorry, i should have told you: The superweapon got thrown into a volcano by a hobbit." Sawyer explains. "We have no superweapon. Also, I'm on my break. If you want me to blow up some dude's ship, you're going to have to wait 15 minutes. File a grievance with the union rep if you don't like it." Captain Mindsword, utterly broken down and terrified of being reported to the union, watches Civil1z@tion as he cruises away to safety yet again. Chapter 5 - Dont mess with the union Civil1z@tion looks on at the bickering of Mindsword's crew and laughs. "Foolish Mindsword I have you're designated love interest on my ship, so if you destroy it she will never have sex with you! Also, your hair looks like it was cut by a blind monkey! Seriously, get a new hair stylist." Mindsword moves his hand over his clean shaven head rather confused. Casting his gaze on Engineer Sawyer, Civil1z@tion calls out, "Hey buddy! Looking for this?" Civil1z@tion shows off his necklace where Sawyer's ring of power is. "The hobbit kinda missed the lava and I've got your ring...but its also pretty useless as it only makes me turn invisible. You can have it back and get to fuck the alien chick before Mindsword and get to realign like two dozen warp cores if you'll become a traitor and join me." While pondering the rather gracious offer, Engineer Sawyer was attacked by a sudden explosive case of amnesia. Civil1z@tion's union rep is informed about how he views legitimate workplace grievances as "bickering" and his plans to dominate the galaxy grind to a sudden halt because important pieces of equipment he needs stop working and maybe the part to fix them will come in next month or something. Mindsword, now tired of all the fuss, informs the crew via the intercom that its smokey time, and they all venture down to the Captains secret growroom hidden in the cargo hold. The grow room was originally used for smuggling light bulbs during the galactic dark ages, but was modified by Captain Mindsword to breed a super potent marijuana strain that could survive zero gravity. The plants however turn out to have grown legs because of Chief Engineer Sawyers indiscriminate use of the warp core, and attack the moment the crew walks in the door. Mindsword and his crew pull out their lightsabers, and all hell breaks loose. While fighting the plants the lightsabers were indeed somehow effective, if it wasnt for the fact that they made some of the plants catch fire making the crew high while trying to fight off the 50+ highly mutated indica/ruderalis hybrids. When the fight was finaly over in the grow room, Captain Mindsword turned to The Green Alien Vixen who had excaped Civil1z@tion's evil hand, with the evil overlord chasing right behind her, "I can't resist your boyish charms anymore. Get in my bed now Captain!" The green alien women whispered in his ear. Hesitantly laying back in his bed, the Captain could only take consolation that this would be an excuse to do a fuck ton of drugs. Mindsword got on top of his newly possed prize and yelled at Civil1z@tion who was now in the room: "There can only be one!" Then the Captain pulled out his lightsaber and cut off the evil overlords's head and took all his power. Characters & Plotfeatures Captain Mindsword - Spiritual teacher, admiral captain and insane cheif scientist specializing in biotechnology (mostly breeding of a diverse range of marijuana strains to survive in zero gravity conditions) and electronic weapons. Tom Sawyer, Chief Engineer Bullmoose Two, Warrant Officer Sub-Engineer Third Grade Bippy Tybalt, fighter pilot, takes extreme risks, dies in the end to save something from something in an uncharictaristic non-selfish act. Civil1z@tion - Evil overlord. Turns out to be one of Captain Mindswords former junior high-school victims, and is now a hater bent on world total universal domination. Khun Nang-Klao - Tybalt's underaged male prostitute he smuggled with him inside the Bridge-Commandos tool locker. Ensign Jimmy Higgins Comments weee! Part 2: http://freeratio.wikia.com/wiki/The_Free_R.A.T.I.O._2